Delhi's road etiquette.

I've spent pretty much my entire life in a third world city with all sorts of road traps and road shenanigans that have been building up this wall of anger that can never be torn down with love, but only with a bunch of bulldozers smashing into people's brains because they're STOOPID. Seriously, this is why India is losing tourists, this is why the rupee is depreciating, this is why people have bad impressions about Delhi. In fact, this is why you couldn't find your sock this morning and this is why they haven't discovered proper UFOs yet. These stupid Delhiites are the reason for any and every problem that humanity suffers from.

Disclaimer- I think I have a right to call Delhiites stupid because well, I'm a Delhiite as well. (Delhiite is such a funny word). Delhiiite. Del-hite. Delhi-ite. Kite. Dellkite. ANYWAY. I'm not calling all Delhiites stupid, but this is a blog entry based on years of experience and observation and analysis, so since I got the opportunity to really think about it, the people in this blog entry really are quite stupid. If you are one of these people, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to target you personally. I genuinely care about my city and I want to spread this awareness.

So please stop doing these things.

1) Pedestrians wearing earphones- WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? LIKE, SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? I'm so sorry for yelling, but this is the number one thing that pisses me off about Delhiites. I know that we are a young generation. I know that music is 'hip'. I know that we all have ipods and phones. But why, why do you have to listen to Pitbull while you're wading your way across the road, and not just any road, an Indian road?!

You know what, even the slow cows that cross the roads here are more alert than you are, because they don't have some stupid song blasting through their eardrums as they move their udders across the territory! Please, stop listening to your music, it does not make you cool. I promise, if you listen to music anywhere else, anywhere other than this cluttered city road, we will all think you're hot and ask you to date us. Also, you will remain alive. So please stop wearing earphones, it's effing stupid. Just please. Stop.


2) EVE-TEASING- WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM, ARE YOU DELUSIONAL, DO YOU HAVE X-RAY VISION, DO YOU HAVE TOURETTES SYNDROME, DO YOU THINK YOU'RE MACHO? Trust me, if you have a beard and a lungi you are macho enough, you do not need to pick on the women walking around. I am sick of all the horrible cases on TV, I'm sick of sick, horny men, I'm sick of everything. Even if the women cover themselves up in duct tape, these men will continue to whistle or say anything inappropriate to them. I don't get it, do you think that makes you cool? Do you do the same to your wife/sister/mother? Are you stupid? No one wants to come to Delhi anymore because it has become India's number 1 rape capital. Isn't that great, we're number one at something, finally! -.-

Speaking of 'Number one'...


3) People urinating on the roadside-  Scene- it's a beautiful day on the Delhi-Gurgaon Expressway as vehicles glide peacefully over the smooth road. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, the smell of samosas light the air, the trees are swaying gently, the man is peeing. THE MAN IS PEEING. Fresh, hot, yellow, liquid fertilization for the swaying trees as they grow taller and taller so the singing birds can sit on them and fly around the area. Suddenly everything is disgusting. FIND AN EFFING TOILET!


4) Honking at the red light signal- If you do this, you are probably color blind. If you aren't, you shouldn't be driving. Have you heard the song "STOP says the red light, GO says the green?" I'll sing it to you if you want, while we wait.

 I don't get it, there are a bunch of us in our cars, waiting for the red light to turn green, and suddenly this obnoxious car comes behind us and starts honking. What do you expect us to do, put green tinted sheet over the traffic signal and drive off putting our lives and law at stake? THE LIGHT IS RED. Please go back to elementary school if you didn't get that. If you think the light is green, why don't you drive ahead, kill yourself in an accident, and have green blood flow out of you? Ugh, stupid people.

Also, if you are honking to make the car ahead of you go a little farther while waiting for the light to turn green, you should calm down because you can't get past that traffic signal anyway till the light turns green. And don't you worry, unless you have a dying person in your car, I'm sure you will reach your destination without much more than a scratch or a broken heart or a salary cut, rather than the possible loss of your life.


5) People on bikes checking themselves out in the mirror- So while you are sitting in your car in the middle of a traffic jam, you decide to look out of the window ...and see a man trying to make a mohawk while staring at you. Little do you realize that your car window doubles as a portable mirror for everyone! Damn, you should probably start charging these people for such wonderful, portable cosmetic facilities!

When people do this to me while I'm in the car, I like to roll down my window and give them a nice stare in the face. They still might not stop though, my pupils are probably reflective enough to double as a mirror too!


6) Bikes without silencers- There are different types of loudness on a Delhi road. Some are tolerable and typical, like people talking or cars honking. But then there is one sound that thunders above all the rest, stealing the show, creating a crater in your eardrum. It's a normal bike sound multiplied by 50. Oh who said it is excess H2O that makes you drown? It is the excess sounds from a bike that makes you drown under the road. Instead of the siren sounds in ambulance, just make one of these bikes go in front of you, and they will steal the show, making everyone avoid it like the plague.


7) The paan-spitting- Ever noticed the side of a pavement or a wall? They normally are painted white or black or yellow or purple or any color. Then you notice some red patches, and you think "Wow, is this some new design?" Red patches on surfaces are usually caused due to the unending, inevitable, deadly, paan spitting. In any other part of the world, your teacher would probably berate you for spitting gum, or spitting spit, or spitting food. But do you do that in Delhi? HECK no.

All these people (I don't want to target anyone, but it's usually the autorickshaw drivers that do this) stop their rented flivvers or their flying carpets in the middle of the road, take a long, saliva-soaked breath in, and discharge a scuttle of paan-red spit that stains any and every surface it hits upon. THIS IS SO ANNOYING. Not only is it unmannerly, but it also destroys the natural or manmade beauty of things. Instead of spitting on the road, maybe you could spit in a sink nearby, or a dump, or a trashcan, or your own face. Better yet, don't even have paan, unless there is a sink nearby!


 So that's my list of grievances that has hopefully come to your attention. I think if more Delhi people will read this, at least we'll have less of these pesky annoyances. Though I doubt the autorickshaw drivers would be very interested in reading any of this, except the really interested ones. I'll probably just email this to the government then, and hope this all gets better before I'm dead :)

Much love (and road safety), 

A packet of chips.

I bought a packet of Lays chips yesterday because I was travelling and needed a quick snack. .

So there I was, walking to the vendor, a bulgy-eyed man who protected himself from the junk food he sold by secretly eating some, and sweating out the rest of the oil. I approached him as he was mid-drinking a pail of Dihydrogen Monoxide, cleared my throat so he'd acknowledge my presence, and looked around for something edible. Now, this was a railway station in a small town, so there wasn't much of the variety found in your regular gourmet menu. So I grabbed a packet of yellow Lays Chips (even if my favorite flavor is the blue one- India's Magic Masala), paid my 20 rupees and headed to the train. 

As the train snored on lazily in the afternoon sun, I decided to wait for sometime then open my packet of chips. By then I was starving, and the kind guy next to me did not offer me any of his aloo poori. SO I opened the packet and dumped my hand in, without further ado. The hand came out covered in salt and nitrogen, and not to mention, disappointment. 

Expectation                                                                         Reality

You know the whole behind of any packaged item that has a bunch of stuff written that no one really bothers to read? I think there's something like "send your concerns/comments at ___________". I mean, there should be. If I would've had the presence of mind to preserve the packet after filling 3% of my intestine with its sparse contents, instead of throwing the packet away, I would have been facing a Lays producer right now.

Why? Because I'm pissed!

Most packaged items (in India at least) are duping the various consumers by giving them less than half of what they paid for! I'm sure even the cows in India are suffering from this frugality. It won't be long before these retailers will begin charging them for grass! Lays, for example-

A five rupee packet of Lays chips has 4 chips inside.

A ten rupees packet of Lays chips has 8 chips inside.

And a twenty rupees packet of Lays chips has around 14 inside.

I know because I actually counted. Well once. But I did count. It was like last year, but still. This counts.

Soooo Lays India, please do something. Because:

1) I've always had Lays. Kurkure is too heavy, Uncle Chips is too texture-y, Pringles come in annoying cans, and other brands are not that amazing, that's why I can't think of them.

2) Lays is advertised by Saif Ali Khan. He's hot and makes me want to consume Lays.

3) It's available everywhere. Even in random street shops in the middle of Phoosvarbaad (is there a place like that? I just made it up..) where people have to make holes on dams to drink some water, you'll find Lays.

4) I love Magic Masala. And no other brand can copy the same taste successfully.

5) You have come up with these new "share packs" but I can't share the chips with anyone anymore because it has barely anything for one person.

6) People eat more these days.

7) Even if I did mention that I find Lays superior than other brands, don't forget that these brands are your competition (esp Uncle Chips, I have a feeling), so yeah. I might just switch to them. 

8) Okay if you're thinking about things like "we are contributing to decreasing obesity!" or "people are more health conscious these days", you're probably right. But no, not really. Like, I'm sure people would still love to eat a packetful of Lays chips during an intense workout. So go die. 

9) In answer to the previous statement- you already are trying to help people with Baked Lays (it tastes horrible, imo btw sry). So yeah, stop worrying about aiding to cure obesity. 

10) We are PAYING. You Lays people are already quite rich. I'm sure putting a few extra chips in a pack won't give you tremendous losses, unless your 'losses' are happy customers.

I'm raising my voice to end this frugality.... this food corruption! In the spirit of India being controlled by a brand new Prime Minister and all, I post this entry! (moment of patriotism). Okay that was a bit too much.

Anyhoo, Lays please change your game. Not that you'd read this entry, but you know, someone might be kind enough to ease this annoyance of mine (and many).

Notes: 

PS- I know this whole entry is primarily about Lays, but I'm not solely targeting the company. I have said some virtues about Lays too, and I think Lays is pretty awesome, other than this small shortcoming. 

This blog is for entertainment and communication purposes. No feelings were intended to be hurt.

This entry is based on my personal opinion. You may love Lays and devour it without any complaint, and that is wonderful! so don't feel the need to agree with me- that is solely up to you.

Also, kudos to Kurkure. All these years and never ever has Kurkure been disappointing in terms of quantity and I truly appreciate it.

Even if I have mentioned other brands, please note that nothing insensitive was intended. All junk food brands are wonderful. All food is wonderful. 

No discrimination was intended against cows because well, I know that I mention cows repeatedly. 

^Probably the longest acknowledgement I have ever included. 

Much gluttony & health,

Fun ways to be a V-Day buzzkill.

This entry was supposed to be posted on valentines day but I didn't post it then because... I'll leave that a mystery heheh.
Okay no, stop thinking ew.

Well since I'm wonderful and terrible at the same time, I want to help you be a valentines day buzzkill. Why would you want to be a buzzkill, you ask? Because they add a little spice to the typical cheesiness of v-day! Also because you're mean and a terrible person phwahaha. Other than sulking and sighing all day at whatever your SO does for you, I think these tips might help you a little. At the same time, it can help you reject annoying cactus thorns that cling to your clothes in the fierce desert of love filled with mirages and thirst. (aah the metaphors I come up with)

But hey, don't forget to read the disclaimer in the end as well.

PS- Grey's anatomy dialogues ftw?

1) Person: Will you go to the movies with me this Saturday? :)
You: I'm against multimedia content.

2) Person: Truth is......................................................................................... I like you a lot.
You: Truth is................................................................ you read too many Facebook statuses.

3) Person: I love you!
You: Duly noted.

4) Person: I think we should stop pretending and just admit that we're crazy about each other.
You: I wasn't pretending to be batman I actually am him why won't anyone listen to me

5) Person: Kiss me.
You: Ki-ki-kiss me, infect me with your love and fill me with your poison take me.....

6) Person: Will you go out for dinner with me?
You: Yes but let me just bring my poor and hungry family along. We never say no to free food!

7) Person: I'm gonna take you home with me tonight!
You: Alright, but my feng shui skills are less than average, just sayin'/

8) Person: I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
You: *farts* You sure?

9) Person: I promise I will never ever ever ever upset you.
You: Okay Taylor Swift! <3

10) Person: You always know the right words to say to me!
You: That was the alcohol speaking...

11) Person: Hey babe, I want us to get back together.
You: YA CAN'T ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT.

12) Person: You smell so nice all the time.
You: Oh so the Swahili boar dung worked?

13) Person: My heart skips a beat every time I see you.
You: I stop my heart from beating every time I see you.

14) Person: Your smile just brightens up my day!
You: I stopped brushing 5 days ago.

15) Person: Can I get you a drink?
You: Yes, I'd like onion juice with garlic cream on top.

16) Person: I have changed, I promise!
You: No you're still wearing that Chick Magnet shirt you wore three days ago.

17) Person: I don't know what I'd do without you.
You: I don't know what to do with you.

18) Person: I think about you all the time.
You: I knoww, I should probably return that money I stole from you.

19) Person: Run away with me.
You: No but I can skip away with you.
Person: Hahahaha. Not funny.
You: Then I'll just skip away from you, meanie.

20) Person: Will you marry me?
You: Wait let me consult my desi parents, cousins, astrologers, aunts, uncles, the hairy hobo who lives outside my neighborhood, the school nurse, the bartender, Ramu the cow, tea leaves, your mailman, your physician, and your ex girlfriend too, just to be sure.

21) Person: We just have so much in common, it's like we are meant to be.
You: We are siblings and were separated at birth, I found out three days ago. It's okay though, I think incest is cool too.

22) Person: I can't live without you.
You: I'm sure there are better doctors in this world!

23) Person: I can't believe you're all mine.
You: I can't believe it either.

24) Person: I love you!
You: I love you too Lyla!
Chad: Who's Lyla wtf.
You: I am.
Chad: What... anyway I'll forget that. I love you!
You: Lylaaa, I love you so much!

25) Person: *hugs you*
You: *scream really loudly in their ear* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

26) Person: I love you!
You: Sorry I didn't hear that! There's a lot of earwax in my ear it seems.... please help me get it out? It's softened a little now that I've been poking it for some time. The doctor said its occurrence has decreased ever since I started using sanitary earbuds instead of that dirty pencil at home. I gave it to you once actually...

Disclaimer: Firstly, heheh I don't expect you to use these dialogues in real life! because some of these are lame and some of these might hurt others. Remember, whoever says these nice things to you, no matter how cheesy they may sound, mean well, so don't be mean to anyone who says "I love you" to you. We should all be very sensitive so if you are sure that you don't want to be sensitive/you know this person won't take it too seriously, it's okay to be a buzzkill. :)

ALSEW, this post reminds me of my epic Fun Insults entry that you must check out, whether or not you are a buzzkill! Also, I love cactus, they don't annoy me one bit. Though they do seem annoyed themselves. Don't you think most cactus look as if they are making some suggestive hand gestures? NOW WHO'S MEAN.

Jk I love all vegetation, good night. 

Who needs grades when you have Center Fresh? (Plan B)

Today, I managed to watch tv after ages after finally emerging out from beneath my rock (temporarily) because Patrick has kicked me out because apparently now I've lost all my socializing skills and all starfish, brainful as well as brainless, hate me.
Unfortunately I'm still under the huge granite of a rock termed EXAMS. Today, whilst scribbling away any answers I could think of, the stupid invigilator snatched my paper and destroyed my mood in such a way that the only thing that would've made me feel better was tv. And not just tv.
Whenever I watch tv I make it a point to watch cheesy shows *cough* Indian serials. I watched one today in which this guy and a girl meet on facebook, share an assortment of chicken jokes to win camaderie, decide to meet at the local restaurant, seal their instant friendship with a hi5 (note: thats when their hands touch and violins pregnate the air), pull each other's cheeks, then decide to get married. However, the girl's father is a super conservative, paan chewing relic of an ancient, who smears ghee in his parantha with his bony fingers then reprimands his daughter saying "I VEEL HAVE NO INTER-CASTE MARRIAGE IN THIS PHAMILY." The girl says Nahiiin, cries in her bedroom, meets the boy secretly and they both decide to elope on a coughing scooter on the eve of the girl's eighteenth birthday, because eloping or not, they want to follow the law, for the legal marriage age in India is 18.
Then they book the best room at the "BEST ROOM HOTEL" and get mushy. Oh what's that, are you expecting some boogiewoogiedoogie? Oh no, these are the Indian peninsular species you are talking about, and they merely talked about the various dietary supplements for the following night (the girl makes the best mutter paneer in town), and then indulged in the cheek-pulling again.
Anyway, long story short, the guy ends up being a robber who planned to loot the girl's jewelry, the girl ends up being a useless lover of another man who smokes cigarettes and finds refuge in bigotry, the girl's dad ends up being an epilepsy patient who threatens his daughter by saying he will voluntarily die if his daughter marries a lower caste, and I end up one of those guys you find in Indian dhabas who yell COME HERE WE HAVE THE BEEEESTBUTTERCHICKENSAMOSADOSAMASALADOSAPOORINAANROTILEMONJUICEAPPLEJUICEMIXEDFRUITJUICEMANGOJUICEAndpizza. Okay I don't know why I included the last part. But now you know my secret ambition! I've been working at these tongue twisters recently....
Anyway, that is so not what this blog entry is about. While this putrid freckle of a show was puberty-ing, an advertisement came in between. And I loved it so much that I actually went and searched for it on YouTube because it's the best thing I have ever seen. Needless to say, chewing Center Fresh chewing gum will probably help with my newfound love for screaming out the menu at lightning speed in restaurants and dhabas. Okay maybe plan B.
For some reason blogger app is not allowing me to attach the video through phone (UGH!) But that doesn't mean I don't love you enough or that I don't want you to watch this ad (esp the middle part when he imitates the Fair and Lovely ad :'D) I laughed so hard at this!!!
Ps- if you don't understand Hindi; this video is basically a parody of all these popular Indian advertisements of toothpastes, fairness creams, Ambuja Cement, memory pills, etc, which are found on tv all too often.
I feel like there is some hope for this country. I think the cheesyness is actually what makes India India. WOOP.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RFYG4qF_vXk&feature=youtube_gdata_player
Ps- pray or do some witchcraft to enable me to pass all my exams and turn my colossal of an invigilator into a powerless squid.
Wahaha.

Girls vs. Guys- Facebook accounts.

You may or may not have noticed that my blog has entered puberty. If, by any chance you happened to be accessing my blog from around 8 to 9 pm IST and tried to hit refresh, your brain would have probably melted, surged through your ear canal, and made you deaf. Not to mention brainless. If you are brainless now, I needn't bother an explanation since you wouldn't comprehend it anyway, but in case your brain is still intact and you want to know the reason nevertheless, here it is. I was deep into the process of giving my blog a makeover, and well, what you see now is the result. Look around!

I mean, I know it doesn't look as if I worked very hard. The collage of my doodles in the blog cover and the creation of the background did not take very long. But what took long was fitting those things into my blog. UGH. It was so annoying! I had to resize the picture a frazouland times in order to make the cover photo fit. And why should it fit, you ask? Guys.... I think I have OCD. Some weird, things-should-fit-and-colors-should-change kind of an OCD. I'm sure there's a term more technical for it. Giraffe. On your left, in the background.

Anyway, it's funny that I'm typing this post right now because I haven't accessed Facebook in quite some time since the beginning of exams, but I had been thinking about having an entry about this phenomenon for a while. My dear mortals, within a few years from now, babies will be born without known genders, because no one would care about the chromosomes or peer at their peepees or do an ultrasound or any such thing. Rather, I have a theory that these infants will be given a laptop and told to access facebook, and this in turn would determine their gender.

Now I know I have exaggerated, obviously. But if you think about it, there most certainly are some definite distinctions between the way the two main opposite genders access social networking sites. And yes, I am aware that I'm generalizing (just like I always do for such posts), so I hope you will keep in mind that I'm in no way trying to push you into a category or mock you for being in one, rather rainbowunicornflowersponies nuffsaid. Besides, you should be aware that I'm totally a near-perfect example of one of those girly profiles.

1) Profile Pictures- If this is a guy's profile picture-

This is probably a girl's profile picture.

I don't think that anyone can deny that most guys do, indeed, have simpler profile pictures than girls. They just feel the need to crop their face from any random tagged picture and upload it into their profiles. In fact, most of the guys I know rarely change their profile pictures or care to upload their own profile picture. If they happen to be tagged in something, they will go ahead and profile it, after doing a wonderful job of cropping, of course. 

But girls? NO WAY. I don't think you realize that cropping a picture ruins the picture's resolution, and a picture's resolution is way too important to be tampered with. Girls, in most cases, need the best quality pictures that are in no way cropping any of their essential body parts, and understand the importance of pouting because smiling just hides the cheekbones and pouting makes them more prominent. Moreover, girls feel the need to edit their pictures, to highlight themselves and the beautiful background of the most beautiful resort where they've been chilling so people know that not only are they beautiful, but also that they appreciate nature and sceneries which make them seem innocent, appreciative, and humanitarian. Or simply hot. 

2) Captions of Profile Pictures- I find that guys rarely find the need to have captions for their pictures. They may be bald with a shark chewing remnants of hair, while juggling tomatoes and yet they don't feel the need to explain their actions in a minimum of one to two words. Like, c'mon, you could've written 'yolo' or 'bau5' or something in the caption, that would've be acceptable. But nooo. 

Girls, on the other hand, have 3 main kinds of captions:

1) Song lyrics- Lyrics are basically a girl's way of saying "wow look I'm so hot and this song totally describes my hotness and you should be reading these lyrics right now and downloading that song because it is totally directed towards you and listening to this song will hopefully remind you of me (and my hotness)." 

For eg: If a girl just went through a break-up, and she wants the guy to know that she's totally over him and doesn't give a damn, she will take the hottest picture possible, edit it to make it look even hotter, crop out the toothbrush and the bathroom mirror, and upload it with the lyrics 'WE ARE NEVER EVER EVERRRR, GETTING BACK TOGETHER!' She might even call up a friend and ask her to tag her in the picture so that it comes in the newsfeed and the person-under-question sees it... and regrets seeing it. 

2) Birthday captions!- Honestly, if a girl wanted, she could've merely texted her "BFFL WHO HAS SEEN ME SNIFFLE" or "PANTIE DINOSAUR XOXO" or "JUICY SAAXBOMB" instead of writing a lengthy caption detailing all sorts of maneuvers that she has had with her "OOPID DRUNKARD" on the night she dirty danced with a man who actually turned out to be a disgusted puritan. Why do girls write such long captions, or ask their friends to write long captions for them? For you to see it, of course! Birthday captions are just a girl's way of letting others know that she is fun, has friends, and you should either totally be jealous, or you should totally hang out with her too.

3) "HI OMG YOUR SO PRETTY BUT YOU WONT UPLOAD THIS PICTURE SO I UPLOADED IT, K? KBYE. LUV YA PRETTY THANG."- Captions/eulogies written by others. Either a girl is lucky enough to have such considerate friends who are always on the lookout for hot pictures of her comrade in her laptop that is uploadable on facebook, or the girl has bribed her friends into uploading the picture for her because the girl wants to be seen to have a modest, "I-have-better-things-to-do" attitude, OR her comrade herself uploaded the picture in hopes that the girl would also do the same for her and appreciate her beauty at some point later in life.

3) Timeline- Moment of nostalgia as I almost wrote "Wall" :(

A guy's timeline is usually kind of empty. If anyone did happen to write on his wall/timeline, it would be something vague, like a link to a dexterous wrestler's muscle-building secrets with the remark "yo we gotta do this" or "thats me in 10 yrs". Or it could be a link to a video game. Or a music video that features a hot model. Or a meme. Or a link to my blog. ;D

A girl's timeline on the other hand, and especially a girl who is, say, 14-15 and moderately popular, is filled with other people. Basically, they have wall-to-wall (now, timeline-to-timeline) conversations so a girl's wall is usually beautiful, colorful, and buzzing of a wonderful social life. 

What's that, you don't have such a lovely timeline? Aw, well that's okay. I gave up on wall-to-wall long back. Eventually, people tend to get sick of facebook. I know I am, so my wall is just.... oh wait, it's a timeline now, I keep forgetting! 

4) Comments (in pictures)- It wouldn't be surprising that low resolution, cropped pictures are unlikely to get a lot of comments...

Girls, on the other hand, usually get so much attention for their pictures. Or they make sure they get attention. I mean, come on, what could be more important than the number of likes you got for your picture, eh?

When I was younger, I would tell all my friends to 'check out' my profile picture whenever I changed it. It used to be such a big deal! My friends and I would request each other to like each others' profile pictures and comment on it, because nothing seemed more important than getting likes and comments. But after a point, it just doesn't matter. 

5) Status Updates- Now, thankfully I found at least one area where guys are, more or less, active. If anything, most of the guys I know do update their statuses quite often, but again, these updates are highly subjective. But probably what I see the most on my newsfeed are UPDATES ON SPORTS. So there I am, just chillliiin, scrolling down the newsfeed, and suddenly, from around 10-11 pm, there are all these shoutouts and type-screaming and analysis of players and reprimands at their shortcomings and all these unfamiliar names and unfamiliar games.... and my head just starts to spin. Now, I'm not saying that all girls are like me (I'm such a poor example), but I rarely watch/follow sports, so I have no clue what's going on. Oh, so Ronaldo scored a basket... sorry I mean goal? Oh, so Chesterfield.. I mean Manchester United is in this season..... and that man won wrestling? That's really great, oh wait, he didn't win? You thought he'd win but he didn't? Or wait, oh he's injured? Well that's bad........ seriously, it is just super hard for me to keep up. I do try, though. Like, I sincerely tried to watch cricket and actually follow it throughout 9th/10th grade. Is it obvious that I failed?

Girls rarely update their status in vivid enthusiasm for sports. They write about either a) their mundane daily adventures, or b) songs that are basically implicit messages towards.... (surprise)... you. So I always see statuses like "Just got out of the spa with my mum..... best mother-daughter day ever!" or "just sittin' here under the tree with my sweet ol' southern boy" or "I knew you were trouble when you walked in (trouble trouble trouble)" or "I just wanna shop all dayy!!! :)))" I wouldn't be the least surprise if girls start the trend of describing the difficulties/joy of their morning poo- "Just got out of the toilet! feelin' all excreted and healthy. ran out of toilet paper tho".

Unfortunately, my statuses rarely have to do with these things. My last status was this lame desi joke that I found HILARIOUS for some reason- "Santa and Banta were feeling happy. Happy got disgusted and went away". :D :D :D (Happy is a very popular name in India)

6) SMILEYS- Honestly, I have never seen guys use smileys. Or it is all too rare. And I know I'm not using smileys right now either, but trust me, it takes SO much self control, because I've used smileys throughout my adolescence and can not imagine not using them, because I feel like without them, things can be misinterpreted. Moreover, all my female minions also use smileys, so automatically, I end up using smileys in conversations with them too. 

For eg: Consider the phrase 'wow, you're so cool.' Now, when said without a smiley, it sounds sneering, almost sarcastic. Like, that time when you were reciting to your friends about the time when you were dancing like Ke$ha wearing rollerskates and you fell, and one of your friends go like "wow, you're so cool", HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO KNOW IF THEY MEAN IT OR NOT, HUH? Because personally, I think that's really cool. So if I'd say 'wow, you're so cool', I'd mean it. But it could also be said in a sarcastic way like, "wow, you think you're so cool but you're not". THAT is where the smiley comes in. So if I'm online, I'd just be like "wow, you're so cool!!! :'O :')" and anyone who's sarcastic can go like "wow, you're so cool -.- " so thereyago!

Well, that's all I can think of for now. However, if you can think of more distinctive behaviors adopted by girls and guys, why don't you comment and add to my little list? I think I can't think of any more reasons because, I'll be honest, ever since I got this awesome smartphone of mine, I just never felt the need to waste time stalking others on facebook when I could be stalking even more people through other applications! Oh hey, maybe I'll include an even better entry about other applications/websites as well!

But again, I haven't completely let go of Facebook. I still think it is a great way to connect to people who live in great distance from you, see what your old friends/acquaintances are up to, allow those who don't know you very well to get to know you, and find old friends because virtually everyone has an account on facebook. What's that, you don't? That's okay too. You must be having great self control, then.

:)))))) you know, before I end this entry, I felt like sharing two epiphanies that I recently had, about my own blog entries. Firstly, I noticed that I apparently put a lot of commas in my blog entries when I'm having a writer's block, have you noticed? Maybe you should read through the posts in which I mention things like "I wrote this with a writer's block!!" to clarify this point. And secondly, I have noticed that all my entries start off good but end bad! For example, this one. And I also end up saying things completely irrelevant and different from what I initially started off saying. I think that's because these entries, with the fancy pictures and all take too long, so by the time I'm finished, it's like.... 1 AM, lol. 

I've been noticing too many things lately, hmmph. That's just weird. 

Okay, good night! 

Food for Thought?

Might I take a moment to acknowledge the (unrevered) fact - It's December! And you know what that means. Christmas carols, anonymous presents, and calorie gains are only subordinate to high adrenaline for it's GRADUATION YEAR next month which means you're going to, you know, die.

It is amongst all this hungama that I find time to do general mundane activities such as eating or eating in restaurants. A few days ago I went to a restaurant with my family to gnaw and gulp some endearing Indian delicacies when I noticed this interesting trend that I thought would be suitable for one of my stupid blog entries.

OMG.

So what I've horribly sketched here is the overall outline of the restaurant.....

Okay, so this is the LOL restaurant. It doesn't have to stand for Laughing Out Loud, or Lots of Love. It could stand for, say, Lecturing Objectionable Llamas. 

(That's a llama wearing a bikini smoking weed.)

(Jk. That's my desperate attempt at trying to be funny. And let's just get past this, because this is a restaurant, not llama rehab.)

So Laughing Out Llamas or Lecturing whoever, I went to this restaurant and the circle things in the diagram above represent different tables where people could sit. There were two on the left, two on the right, three in the middle, and four at the back. Note that even if I have made the three tables in the middle purple, they actually were exactly identical to their furniture friends on the sides. 

Okay so the four blue people at the entrance is me, my dadi, and my parents. So we're entering the restaurant, and we notice that 7 of the 11 tables were occupied with the little black circles (representing customers). So we look around, deciding where to sit. And without much ado, we choose the second brown table on the right. 

Then another family arrives.

After thinking for quite a bit, the new family chooses the table near the back row, which I have marked. 

Do you see the trend?

When this family chose the table near the back row, it made me wonder. Why didn't they choose the middle, or the front table? It's not like those tables were made of velociraptor skin or had thorny chairs. And it's not like the tables we chose had hot waiters enacting Glee scenes. Every freaking table in the restaurant was the same, made of the same material, and just as appealing. 

Everyone who entered that restaurant chose tables that were near other occupied tables, and out of direct view so that when someone would enter and their eyes go straight to the center, it would meet the seclusion of a desolate, empty purple table that no one really thought of occupying. 

Now before you begin brandishing your opinion of my absurdity here, I know what I'm saying here is also pretty stupid. Firstly, who is weird enough to notice such things, forget making an entry about it? Moreover, this 'trend' that I have noticed is not applicable in every scenario, because I have definitely seen people choosing tables that may be beyond the solar system. 

But don't you think this sort of scene does happen once in a while? And maybe there is some explanation for it?

This, my beloved reader(s), arises from our general human tendency of conformity. I tried to Google this phenomenon but I could find none underlining my allegations of conformity in restaurants, so I'll remind you that this is just me rambling and straying away from any possible facts that I may or may not have overlooked. So don't count my little theory as the one and only, and possibly as the accurate, because, you know, I'm just thinking.... 

None of us really like to stand out. I mean, when everyone at a party wears formal wear because it's the dress code, you don't just barge in in your panda costume (hopefully) (but this could totally happen if you're the girl in Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging). When all your friends like a person, you also try to like the person and notice the good qualities in them. As much as you may deny, as hard as you may try to 'stand out' and be different, at the end of the day, there are some things, as minor as they may be, that make you conform, and this little restaurant scenario is just one of them. 

Both our families did not choose the tables in the center, because well, as blatantly as we may try to deny, we didn't really fancy standing out or be in perfect view for everyone to enjoy watching us wipe butter chicken off our nose, or pull out strands of our hairs from our mouth while eating. Besides, the human tendency to seek contact and be near others similar to us is a given, innate quality and well, I guess we are more comfortable being around people like us, with their flawed eating styles so if someone were to enter the restaurant and judge us, he/she wouldn't just look at us, but also everyone around us, and would probably conclude that this restaurant indeed is Llama Rehab and walk out. So if you're eating like a reckless hominid, your wacky eating habits will be covered by the wackier eating styles of your hominid comrades sitting in tables surrounding yours.

Actually, if you think about this whole conformity thing, it can be dated further back to something totally unrelated yet equally intriguing.

So I have been tweezing my eyebrows since I was 12, then I started getting them done properly since 9th grade. Now, why do I get them done? Because well, it is given that having thin eyebrows supposedly make you prettier and more presentable. And why is it 'given'? Because, well, everyone around me gets their eyebrows done and tries to advocate this practice. 

But if I think about it, like really think, I would jolly well love to just not get my eyebrows done. It is annoying, painful, and makes me visit the parlor 800 times a month when I would much rather stay home in my Extra Extra Extra Large Tshirt, sprawled on the couch. 

But I still go. And I still have thin eyebrows.

However, thin eyebrows weren't always the trend.

So this is Shyama, a Bollywood actress of the 1950s, and as you can see, she has thick eyebrows. This shows that okay, maybe not all our lovely ladies of the 50s had thick eyebrows, but surely, it was a trend at some point- maybe when your grandmother's grandmother was conceived- but it was a trend nevertheless. Then sometime between India's converting from Kurtas to Jeans, eyebrows went from thick to thin. I saw my friends getting their eyebrows done thin, so I also started getting them done thin. 

Now you ask, how in the world/why in the world did I bring eyebrows into the restaurant/llama rehab?

Well, both these cases are similar because they show that as human beings, we tend to go along with the crowd and do what everyone else is doing. We try not to create a scene. But you know, again I'm just being general. Because personally, I would LOVE to stand out, and that's what I always try to do. 

Anyway, I leave it to you to decide whether this whole entry that I have just finished typing with this throbbing writer's block makes sense or not. Meanwhile, I think I'm going to catch up on my sleep. 

One more thing though- Lately, I have been obsessed with WWYD videos on Youtube. These videos show how human beings sometimes choose to break free of the notion of conformity, which results in some really heartening beautiful incidents that give me hope for human beings. So I would highly recommend you watch these videos. Not unproductive at all, I promise.

Much love (and heavy droopy eyes), 

Aah, another Liebsterr!

I'm super excited about this one because a) it's been a while, and b) I'm SICK of exams. 
If there is anything that studying has taught me, it is only that I am wonderful at doodling. Seriously, I don't think I have ever doodled so much ever! You won't believe this... I cancelled all my plans with all my friends, told them I'm studying, then sat home with the book open in front of me, but I wasn't reading. I was doodling. So yes, basically I ditched my comrades for 3-4 hours of antagonizing Doodleland.

I want to show my gratitude to Kusum from Far Beyond Skyline because she most certainly knows how to make good decisions in life ;) Thank you so much! 

"Liebster Award is given to up and coming bloggers who have less than 200 followers. It’s appreciation from fellow bloggers and your chance to introduce yourself to other awesome bloggers.

If you receive this award, you are expected to:

1. Post 11 facts about yourself

2. Answer the 11 questions the tagger has given you
3. Tag 11 more Bloggers (with no more than 200 followers; no tagging back) and make 11 questions for them
4. Tell the people you tagged that you did."

1) I was born in the middle of the Atlantic ocean as the transgender seahorse offspring of two very romantic octopuses. 

2) Sorry, I lied. That's the second fact. I tell a lawt of white lies. Maybe that is why my nose is so long, hmm. Oh, and don't worry, I don't lie in my blog (usually). Psst. Did you see the thing on the right sidebar? The Indian biking badge? Totally un-false. Maybe. 

3) I have really bad carsickness but I freakin love travelling! It is a paradox. I know, who wants to get to their travel destination after barfing out the remnants of whatever little digestive system they had? (Please don't get grossed out, I rarely barf, it's mostly just nausea). But once you get to the place where you were trying to get to, it's all worth it. And another thing. If ever I travel, I like to blend in with the local people of the place I'm in. For example, if I'm in a remote Indian village, heck yes you'll see me walking around carrying matkas on my head! 

4) I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON A NOVEL LATELY. Omg, this is so exciting. I know it's not really a 'fact' about me, but I'm so euirhgeuirhging excited! It's a horror/thriller, and it is the most exciting thing in my life at the moment. I've been trying to control the urge to sit and write all day because of these putrid exams, but once they get over, I'm just going to write all day and all night! 

5) I have a very strange memory. If I met you 40 years ago (pretend I existed 40 years ago), I will meet you now and say "You remember that time you pulled my cape and then I breathed in through my nostrils?" Seriously, I just have very strange memory of things. I might remember the smallest insignificant details as background to the larger ones. Sometimes, my brain gets confusing. "Oh, my bad, that was someone else's nostrils." 

6) My favorite fruit is watermelon, and my favorite vegetables are mushrooms. I'm so obsessed with these two things! I use watermelon lipbalm, watermelon shower gel, and I'm pretty sure I'll be the first one to buy a mushroom shampoo if they ever start one. I mean, they have Beer and Champagne shampoo, so why not Mushroom, right. Put me in an island with just these two delicacies, and I will become a super fanshy sumo banshee. 

7)  i lyk 2 tok lyk dis @ tymz. I don't care what people say about ppl hu tok lyk dis, but I personally feel that those people have a lot of creativity to come up with such condensed forms of writing. Sure, it looks like ants on my screen, but I occasionally speak wid mah franz lyk dis 2 b funnzzyy. On the other hand, I'm not very fond of abbreviations. I don't mind a little YOLO with my FYI at times-these are very extensively used. But maybe it's because I'm just technically un-brilliant, but when I see acronyms such as SMH or IDCWYDISHT (I Don't Care What You Do But I Still Hate You), I hate having to go on urban dictionary to look it up. 

8) There are three principles that I live (try to live) by- 1) Acceptance, 2) Mutual Respect, and 3) Open Mindedness. These three keynotes are the formula to my little brain cell DJ, and I try my best to bring out the best in me through these guidelines in every possible occasion. But again, don't get me wrong, I'm not all HEY-LOOK!-THERE'S-A-PONY-BY-THAT-RAINBOW-RIVER! type, I do have my moments when following these guidelines become reallyyy hard. 

9) I don't fancy getting flowers as gifts. You know, when you go to some social gathering, and these people offer you this huge bouquet of flowers. I can vividly remember getting so many bouquets of all sorts of flowers- Daisies, Azaleas, Lilacs, Jasmines, Galaxea, Preenasia, Eurasia ....Mediterranean Wildflower? Okay I guess I got names of flowers confused with geographical locations (FAIL). Anyhoo, my point is that yes, I most certainly think it is very generous of you to bestow upon me such wonderful floral vegetation, but let's be real now. Yeah, those bouquets are just going to sit there and rot. One flower is okay, six flowers are perfect, but more than that, and even attempting to put those flowers in vases simply end up attracting a multitude of insects and avid gardeners. 

Now if you ever meet me, you know what not to gift me ;D 

10) I'm a poet and I very absolutely well forgo it. 

11) I absolutely love background vocals and harmonies in songs. I think it's the best thing ever about music. Whenever I listen to a song, I always pay attention to the background as well, and it all comes out so beautifully! I know instruments work well with songs too, but I think harmonies are absolutely amazing because it is the human voice and not instruments that makes the special music. Classic favorite- Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen; Contemporary favorite- Royals by Lorde.  

Questions from Kusum:

1. What is the worst punishment you got in school?
When I was very young, I was unfortunate to be a part of a school that still had corporal punishment. I haven't been exposed to such severe ways of punishment for years now, but I still remember this one day in fourth grade that fills me with fear and hatred. I remember being slapped on my face, TWICE by my Hindi teacher, for not doing my homework in my homework notebook. I did my homework, but it was in my classwork notebook. 

I think this experience was what sort of triggered in me a lasting war that I have been willingly involved in, a fight to end all unfair things about the Indian education system. I spoke to a few of my extremely old friends from that school, and they said corporal punishment is definitely less severe now, but there are still some teachers who follow this brutal means of punishment. I truly hope that I personally will be able to meet these teachers one day and give them a piece of my mind. And the law. 

2. Why is your best friend your best friend?
Haha, I have actually wondered about this a couple of times. Now what is the typical idea of a 'best friend'? I always used to get those definitions from movies like Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants, etc. However, yes my best friend does hold a few characteristics of those girls in the movie (I'm sure she has watched the movie recently for the 9417594th time, during the last 48 hours), but I still think she is much different. I think I address my best friend as my best friend, because she indeed is the best person to be with. I mean, I can just sit with her and not even say hi, and we can, idk hang out? But the thing is, with my 'best friend', I can bring out the 'best side' of me, i.e. the side that doesn't have to be fun ALL the time, the side that doesn't have to keep talking all the time, the side where I'm just me. And being with my best friend doesn't compel me to be any different. Lol snorterjee you readin this bro? 

3. Do you believe in ghosts?

I think the world would be a little more interesting with ghosts, but unfortunately I do not have an inch of belief in them. Though I am always the first one to freak out while watching a horror movie! 

4. What do you like the most about yourself?
I think one of the best things about myself is the fact that I take risks. And no, I'm not talking about sitting at the back of a rollercoaster with my legs swinging out (I'm terrified of amusement parks, actually). I'm talking about being different and sort of chilling with myself. I mean, right now itself I'm taking a risk. I'm supposed to be studying for an exam which will happen in about 3.2 days but I take this risk because I believe that I'm doing something productive. So even if tomorrow I fail my exam, if that failure allowed me to get appreciation for my blog, or if this blog entry made someone's day, I think I will be okay. I try my best to experience every nook and cranny of my life and learn from every mistakes I made. Because when I take risks, I obviously make mistakes. When I make mistakes, I make sure I don't make them again. And when I don't make them again, I learn. I learn, so I grow. I grow, so I feel amazing to look back.  

5. How happy are you today?
Aaah, why today out of all days! Today, I'm supposed to be anxious and upset because I just gave an exam, which didn't go as well as I had hoped it would go. There was this question, AND I WROTE A BEAUTIFUL ANSWER only to learn that the question had asked something slightly different. I feel like going on every social networking website, making an account, and typing fmlfmlfmlfml. However, I am also quite glad that I'm done with that exam and I won't have to worry about it for sometime. So yeah, my mood is a little masala right now. 

6. What is the best thing you have written so far?
THE NOVEL I'M WORKING ON. Seriously, I can't stop reading what I've written. I had often tried to write fiction before, but it always turned out so absurd and I would get so upset and delete them. I used to passionately write this short story with the title Pretty Broccoli (what the f) in 9th grade, but when I recently read it, I couldn't help but mourn about my immature writing skills. Now, however, I think I've gotten better, so after following Edgar Allen Poe's footsteps, blended with a little inspiration from a thriller that my friend was reading, I am going to finish writing my first piece of (hopefully completed) writing ever in this genre. 

On the scale of 1(worst) to 10(best):

7. your personality- 8? I really don't know actually :s

8. your city- 6- Don't get me wrong, I love my city, but even if New Delhi has the best city ever, it has some of the worst, most inhuman cases of rapes and child abuse. 

9. the last journey you had- My dadi has been staying with us, and she is a very religious person, so we have been taking her to every religious shrine in the country. Our last trip was Haridwar. It's an interesting city in the hills, with loads of cows around. I had only been there for rafting before, but this time we actually went into the city and looked at all the Temples and Gurudwaras and Mosques they had. And now, I have been stuck home for the past... 70 years? Going to the bathroom from my room is probably the biggest journey I have had since. -.-
OH CRAP I forgottt this is supposed to be rated on 1-10 :P Probably a 10. I had a great time. 

10. your driving skills- 1? I keep telling my dad to teach me driving but he's too busy, and tells me to enroll a driving class when I'm 18, because you only get a license when you're 18 in India. The closest I've come to 'driving' is starting the engine. I started the car engine by mistake once when I was in 6th grade. And well yeah, that is it. So yeah I give myself a point for that. 

11. the condition of your room- -800? My room is such a mess! Aarghh. There are books and clothes lying everywhere, and I recently found a 5 day old sandwich (untouched and packed) under my bed! I could've followed Homer (Simpson)'s footsteps and had it but it's just gross so I didn't. 

Okaayy, now 11 questions for the taggeees:

1) What is the best decision that you think you have ever made?

2) Last time you were embarassed? What did you do?

3) What do you do currently? (like are you a student, or pediatrician or a zookeeper...)

4) What is something you are terrible at?

5) Would you rather be a dinosaur or a centaur?

6) Which accent do you adore the most?

7)  Your idea of a perfect utopia?

8) Where do you see yourself 10 years from now?

9) One word that you find really hard to spell/pronounce?

10) Did you/Do you have braces? 

11) Any unique/weird trait that you have? (for example, you probably laugh like a sneezing pressure cooker)

I am so sorry but I'm too lazy/busy to tag people, but I am just going to go and notify some awesome bloggers asap. Omg. Exams. Ef. 

❀ Ooh look! A flower, I wonder where that came from.... ❀❀❀❀❀ more flowers...OMG EVEN MORE..! ✿✿✿✿✿✿

Protect cows from firecrackers.

Lately, I have been wondering of the fate of the movie industry had I entered as Bella and starred in Twilight...
Robert Pattinson would not have the privilege of co-starring with me. In fact, a mosquito would deservedly replace him.

Okay, so maybe this love saga will be a little different, because the mosquito would be female, not have even 1/1000000th the looks of Pattinson, and make me itch with pleasure. So much pleasure, that I would go Diwali shopping to buy a backscratcher, instead of a new anarkali. (The backscratcher was on sale- 15 % off!!!!!!)  

That said, I must say I CAN'T WAIT FOR DIWALI! No, I'm not talking about the firecrackers. Or the ladoos. Or the sweet aunties who bring you little presents that you are forced to acknowledge. Or the smell of incense from all the prayers. Or the dressing up and posing for your peeps' instagrams. Or well, anything. 

I am actually looking forward to the abolishment of mosquitoes. 

I mean, it's not like I'm always a boring person who sits at home and laments about the sound of firecrackers bombarding my eardrums or the smoky air suffocating living and nonliving things. But unfortunately, I think the burden of experience has made me so. I just... I don't know, I don't find Diwali that amusing anymore. Ever since I had been little, I had held firecrackers in my hands and leapt with joy when they would burst before my eyes. I had gawked at the pretty lights covering my neighborhood balconies and loved the whole festivity that Diwali brings. But now, I'm not that amused. For me, the only part that I like about Diwali is, well of course, the mosquitoes that die because of the firecrackers, and also that Diwali serves as an excuse for me to call up people who I haven't spoken to in a while. 

Now, I know the kind of conversation you are expecting.

"Hey! Happy Diwali!!!"

"OMGG HIII OMGGG WE HAVEN'T SPOKEN IN SO LONG WHERE ARE YOU???"

"HAHAHA OMG I KNOW RIGHT?! I AM IN DELHI WHERE ARE YOU???"

"I AM IN BHUTAN OMG THIS IS CRAZY"

"I KNOW LIKE YOU ARE TALKING ALL THE WAY FROM BHUTAN AND I'M LIKE IN DELHI. YOU NEED TO COME BACK BRO"

"I WANNAA! DO YOU STILL WEAR BRACES??"

"NO. DO YOU STILL HAVE A UNIBROW?"

"NOPE! OMGG YOU MUST BE LIKE SO HOT RIGHT NOW"

"I KNOW RIGHT I AM HOT YOU MUST BE CRAZY HOT TOO MAN!"

"COME HOME DUDE LET'S HANG OUT I HAVE SO MUCH TO TELL YOU!!!"

"OKAY I'LL COME!! CAN I BRING YOU SOMETHING? GREEN PEAS?"
"OMGGG I LOVE GREEN PEAS!"
"SRSLY?!? ME TOO!!!!"

"SRSLY?!?! WE ARE TWINS WHO GOT SEPARATED AT BIRTH!"

"AAAH CAN'T WAIT TO MEET YOU AND SHARE DNA!"

But unfortunately, it doesn't always work that way.

"Hey! Happy Diwali!!!"

"Um, thanks. Who is this btw?"

"Oh. My bad. It's me, Songbird!!"

"Son-ohhh yes! Songbird, of course! Hi! :)"

"Hi! How is your Diwali going?"

"It's nice!"

"It's nice? That's great!"

"Yeah!"

"Heh."

"Hm."

"Ha."

*awkward pause that lasts 3 seconds but feels like eternity*

"Hmm, well I have to go now. I am late for my cloth-wringing class."

"Hmm, even I'm late for my cloth-wringing class. I should also go."

"Okay bye!"

"Bye -.-"

You know what they say... Feeling someone's absence makes you fonder, or something. Well, sometimes, it just makes conversations awkward. I mean, honestly, I used to have loads of 'best friends' when I was younger, but eventually, I lost contact with most of them. Some of my friends grew up to become cow worshipers, others became cow eaters; some of them milk cows, whilst others use them as means of transport. (I visited a hilly town last week and there were cows everywhere there, so.. sorrzies xo) And when you are expected to speak to these people after years, things are bound to get awkward. Especially if you don't regularly speak to them and have absolutely no clue about who they are, or what they are like, or if they even remember you.  

Oh well. At least some of my friends are still the same. At least some of me is still the same. 

Unfortunately, the mosquitoes won't change. But they will be gone, at least for a few months! :D 

(Hope you found the 2 twilight and 1 mosquito references)

Oh, and by the way, you should protect cows from firecrackers. They really freak out when you go near them with a phooljhadi. Actually, not just cows. Even dogs freak out. But I knew this one dog who actually enjoyed firecrackers. His name was Rocky, and he belonged to my friend's uncle. But still, not all cows or dogs are the same and must be protected. 

Great, I'll stop now.  

Happy Diwali (it's on the 3rd)! 

The waiter who dropped the food.

Aah, I have a terrible writer's block since I haven't been writing in so long, so plz bear with me.

Hey there, middle-aged waiter with distressed look, scurrying about nervously. What's that, your badge says 'Monu' but your actual name is Jayadarshan Merkuku? They made you change it because it sounds too grand?                                                                                                                                                                                                   Your hair is graying, and you squint at the tiny letters on the menus you bring for your customers. You seem more than desperate to do the job right, however, it can easily be made out waitering isn't quite your skill. You seem too old to be doing the job part-time to collect enough summer job money to visit your girlfriend in Meerut, and too young to be an arrogant humbug slamming menus on tables to earn enough money for a pack of cigarettes.                                                                                                                                                               Middle-aged Monu, did you ever think you'll be a waiter at a first class restaurant in a third world country, accustoming your aching eardrums with the melody of profanities from your employers? 

Let's face it, Monu. Your meek self isn't fit for the steady restaurant business with its mean-looking employers combing their thick mustaches while lifting cash instead of weights with their left hands. Those employers gleam with pride at their owner buddies and say Yeh toh baayen haath ka khel hain, bhai (This task is so simple that it can be done with your left hand), and sneer at you, as your knees tremble. 

But Monu, is it your fault? You have 3 kids and a baby to feed at home, and your wife is sick and tired of scouring the whole village for food. Your hair is oily and sickening due to the lack of the usage of latest hair products <did you guys hear of Beer Shampoo?>, but yet work you must. You have to pocket that meager salary and go to the chai dukaan (tea shop) to buy bread and butter for your family. 

You are scared, dead scared of losing this job, because who wants unskilled, inexperienced people like you, especially in the allegedly fastest developing country in the world? You are just a tiny plant in the middle of the road- either get run over, or grow into a giant tree. Your tiny village failed to educate you, and your children are compulsorily being sent to government schools where they come home with a bruised lip and scarred brain by their corporal punishment followers, aka teachers.

Monu, uff, what's that? You dropped the food as you scurried towards the waiting customers? And what now, you received your manager's foot in return for your obviously unacceptable and disrespectful behavior? Tsk tsk, you are so bad, Monu.                                                                                                                                                     After all, Monu, don't you know it's bad manners to get your personal life involved in your professional life? Do your employers know, do your employers care if you lose your job? Do your employers care if you are shooed away whenever you seek work elsewhere? Do you think they will sympathize? You are only a burden to the restaurant. Quit before they fire you, live like a vagabond if you have to.

Ohh, Monu, can you please stop crying now? Losing those fluids will only make you thirsty- where will you drink water from? Through the dirty taps at the side of the roads, right next to the carefree peeing man and the mooing cow? You know what? I'll give you an advice. Go stand in the middle of the road. But wait! Not so quick. Don't be stupid now, get your family to stand with you! What are they to do if you get run over? And you know what, that is not enough. Call all your friends, all your relatives, all those around you that you see suffering. Now see, all you poor and ugly people, plant yourself in the middle of the road. What's that, a BMW is racing full speed towards you? Well, don't you bother, trust me on this, stand right there.

Fellow humanity lovers, do you see what happened here? Those beggars got run over, but their corpses remain. And now there is a giant tree with red leaves instead of that sapling that once stood there. Commuters obviously have a lot of trouble now. They will have to drive around the tree, and plans are being carried out to have that giant, shaming tree cut from the middle of the road. After all, that is the venue of the latest, most gorgeous *world class* race course. That tree is a barrier, it is ugly, disturbing, and completely unnecessary. So let's just cut it off, huh?

I live in a third world country, and probably only the residents of my country can understand the deep politics and development errors going on right now. Maybe it is not relatable to everyone. Maybe, I exaggerated a bit. However, you must agree that there is some relevance beneath the shade of that bloody tree I have made. India, I freakin' love you, you are such a beautiful country, but you are forgetting something very important. Being 'developed' does not mean race courses and five star hotels. Of course, that is part of the picture, but part of it is also eradicating the little problems in life that we overlook. Today itself, I witnessed a distressed waiter dropping the food at the restaurant and getting an air of profanities from the manager. Of course, he never got beat up. But ever heard of mutual respect, and some understanding?

And to my first-world readers, this is very much relevant to daily life as well. Most of us are constantly in a race to be the best, to reach the highest goals, the highest paths. That's when we overlook certain little things, get demoralized a little, because, of course, don't we all have our own problems too, to look at other peoples' problems? Towards our struggles to success, we push down a lot of people, and some of them are people we never intended to hurt. Though class difference is a more prevalent problem in India, discrimination is world wide. There is a difference between having a bad day and a bad life. Monu's employers had a bad day, but to Monu, his actions were completely the results of a bad life. Do you think Monu loves his job?

Again, due to class difference, in India, waitering is not considered a good job. It is not the same as your typical summer job, people become disrespected waiters out of desperation. But is this where we want to head? Is this what we want our children, our grand children, and our great grand children to go through as well? A whole legacy of shame and bloody trees?

Aah, I could go on and list a whole bunch of problems with this country, all the skepticism of India as a developing country. I could go on about humanity, and I could vaguely describe the disgust and awe I feel juxtaposed in the newspaper, which I have gotten sick of reading these days, just btw. I see a lot of Indian bloggers around me blogging away about corruption, rape, politics, poverty, and every root of India's problems and the slumping value of the Rupee against the dollar, the shattered hopes of students wanting to study abroad, and the absolutely non-affected rich along with the poor too worried about feeding their empty stomachs to think about the sensex and Aam Aadmi Party.

Aaah, I'm so sleepy. I promise you though, the next blog entry will hopefully be much more cheerful, haha.