I've spent pretty much my entire life in a third world city with all sorts of road traps and road shenanigans that have been building up this wall of anger that can never be torn down with love, but only with a bunch of bulldozers smashing into people's brains because they're STOOPID. Seriously, this is why India is losing tourists, this is why the rupee is depreciating, this is why people have bad impressions about Delhi. In fact, this is why you couldn't find your sock this morning and this is why they haven't discovered proper UFOs yet. These stupid Delhiites are the reason for any and every problem that humanity suffers from.
Disclaimer- I think I have a right to call Delhiites stupid because well, I'm a Delhiite as well. (Delhiite is such a funny word). Delhiiite. Del-hite. Delhi-ite. Kite. Dellkite. ANYWAY. I'm not calling all Delhiites stupid, but this is a blog entry based on years of experience and observation and analysis, so since I got the opportunity to really think about it, the people in this blog entry really are quite stupid. If you are one of these people, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to target you personally. I genuinely care about my city and I want to spread this awareness.
So please stop doing these things.
1) Pedestrians wearing earphones- WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? LIKE, SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? I'm so sorry for yelling, but this is the number one thing that pisses me off about Delhiites. I know that we are a young generation. I know that music is 'hip'. I know that we all have ipods and phones. But why, why do you have to listen to Pitbull while you're wading your way across the road, and not just any road, an Indian road?!
You know what, even the slow cows that cross the roads here are more alert than you are, because they don't have some stupid song blasting through their eardrums as they move their udders across the territory! Please, stop listening to your music, it does not make you cool. I promise, if you listen to music anywhere else, anywhere other than this cluttered city road, we will all think you're hot and ask you to date us. Also, you will remain alive. So please stop wearing earphones, it's effing stupid. Just please. Stop.
2) EVE-TEASING- WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM, ARE YOU DELUSIONAL, DO YOU HAVE X-RAY VISION, DO YOU HAVE TOURETTES SYNDROME, DO YOU THINK YOU'RE MACHO? Trust me, if you have a beard and a lungi you are macho enough, you do not need to pick on the women walking around. I am sick of all the horrible cases on TV, I'm sick of sick, horny men, I'm sick of everything. Even if the women cover themselves up in duct tape, these men will continue to whistle or say anything inappropriate to them. I don't get it, do you think that makes you cool? Do you do the same to your wife/sister/mother? Are you stupid? No one wants to come to Delhi anymore because it has become India's number 1 rape capital. Isn't that great, we're number one at something, finally! -.-
Speaking of 'Number one'...
3) People urinating on the roadside- Scene- it's a beautiful day on the Delhi-Gurgaon Expressway as vehicles glide peacefully over the smooth road. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, the smell of samosas light the air, the trees are swaying gently, the man is peeing. THE MAN IS PEEING. Fresh, hot, yellow, liquid fertilization for the swaying trees as they grow taller and taller so the singing birds can sit on them and fly around the area. Suddenly everything is disgusting. FIND AN EFFING TOILET!
4) Honking at the red light signal- If you do this, you are probably color blind. If you aren't, you shouldn't be driving. Have you heard the song "STOP says the red light, GO says the green?" I'll sing it to you if you want, while we wait.
I don't get it, there are a bunch of us in our cars, waiting for the red light to turn green, and suddenly this obnoxious car comes behind us and starts honking. What do you expect us to do, put green tinted sheet over the traffic signal and drive off putting our lives and law at stake? THE LIGHT IS RED. Please go back to elementary school if you didn't get that. If you think the light is green, why don't you drive ahead, kill yourself in an accident, and have green blood flow out of you? Ugh, stupid people.
Also, if you are honking to make the car ahead of you go a little farther while waiting for the light to turn green, you should calm down because you can't get past that traffic signal anyway till the light turns green. And don't you worry, unless you have a dying person in your car, I'm sure you will reach your destination without much more than a scratch or a broken heart or a salary cut, rather than the possible loss of your life.
5) People on bikes checking themselves out in the mirror- So while you are sitting in your car in the middle of a traffic jam, you decide to look out of the window ...and see a man trying to make a mohawk while staring at you. Little do you realize that your car window doubles as a portable mirror for everyone! Damn, you should probably start charging these people for such wonderful, portable cosmetic facilities!
When people do this to me while I'm in the car, I like to roll down my window and give them a nice stare in the face. They still might not stop though, my pupils are probably reflective enough to double as a mirror too!
6) Bikes without silencers- There are different types of loudness on a Delhi road. Some are tolerable and typical, like people talking or cars honking. But then there is one sound that thunders above all the rest, stealing the show, creating a crater in your eardrum. It's a normal bike sound multiplied by 50. Oh who said it is excess H2O that makes you drown? It is the excess sounds from a bike that makes you drown under the road. Instead of the siren sounds in ambulance, just make one of these bikes go in front of you, and they will steal the show, making everyone avoid it like the plague.
7) The paan-spitting- Ever noticed the side of a pavement or a wall? They normally are painted white or black or yellow or purple or any color. Then you notice some red patches, and you think "Wow, is this some new design?" Red patches on surfaces are usually caused due to the unending, inevitable, deadly, paan spitting. In any other part of the world, your teacher would probably berate you for spitting gum, or spitting spit, or spitting food. But do you do that in Delhi? HECK no.
All these people (I don't want to target anyone, but it's usually the autorickshaw drivers that do this) stop their rented flivvers or their flying carpets in the middle of the road, take a long, saliva-soaked breath in, and discharge a scuttle of paan-red spit that stains any and every surface it hits upon. THIS IS SO ANNOYING. Not only is it unmannerly, but it also destroys the natural or manmade beauty of things. Instead of spitting on the road, maybe you could spit in a sink nearby, or a dump, or a trashcan, or your own face. Better yet, don't even have paan, unless there is a sink nearby!
So that's my list of grievances that has hopefully come to your attention. I think if more Delhi people will read this, at least we'll have less of these pesky annoyances. Though I doubt the autorickshaw drivers would be very interested in reading any of this, except the really interested ones. I'll probably just email this to the government then, and hope this all gets better before I'm dead :)
Much love (and road safety),
Disclaimer- I think I have a right to call Delhiites stupid because well, I'm a Delhiite as well. (Delhiite is such a funny word). Delhiiite. Del-hite. Delhi-ite. Kite. Dellkite. ANYWAY. I'm not calling all Delhiites stupid, but this is a blog entry based on years of experience and observation and analysis, so since I got the opportunity to really think about it, the people in this blog entry really are quite stupid. If you are one of these people, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to target you personally. I genuinely care about my city and I want to spread this awareness.
So please stop doing these things.
1) Pedestrians wearing earphones- WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? LIKE, SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? I'm so sorry for yelling, but this is the number one thing that pisses me off about Delhiites. I know that we are a young generation. I know that music is 'hip'. I know that we all have ipods and phones. But why, why do you have to listen to Pitbull while you're wading your way across the road, and not just any road, an Indian road?!
You know what, even the slow cows that cross the roads here are more alert than you are, because they don't have some stupid song blasting through their eardrums as they move their udders across the territory! Please, stop listening to your music, it does not make you cool. I promise, if you listen to music anywhere else, anywhere other than this cluttered city road, we will all think you're hot and ask you to date us. Also, you will remain alive. So please stop wearing earphones, it's effing stupid. Just please. Stop.
2) EVE-TEASING- WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM, ARE YOU DELUSIONAL, DO YOU HAVE X-RAY VISION, DO YOU HAVE TOURETTES SYNDROME, DO YOU THINK YOU'RE MACHO? Trust me, if you have a beard and a lungi you are macho enough, you do not need to pick on the women walking around. I am sick of all the horrible cases on TV, I'm sick of sick, horny men, I'm sick of everything. Even if the women cover themselves up in duct tape, these men will continue to whistle or say anything inappropriate to them. I don't get it, do you think that makes you cool? Do you do the same to your wife/sister/mother? Are you stupid? No one wants to come to Delhi anymore because it has become India's number 1 rape capital. Isn't that great, we're number one at something, finally! -.-
Speaking of 'Number one'...
3) People urinating on the roadside- Scene- it's a beautiful day on the Delhi-Gurgaon Expressway as vehicles glide peacefully over the smooth road. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, the smell of samosas light the air, the trees are swaying gently, the man is peeing. THE MAN IS PEEING. Fresh, hot, yellow, liquid fertilization for the swaying trees as they grow taller and taller so the singing birds can sit on them and fly around the area. Suddenly everything is disgusting. FIND AN EFFING TOILET!
4) Honking at the red light signal- If you do this, you are probably color blind. If you aren't, you shouldn't be driving. Have you heard the song "STOP says the red light, GO says the green?" I'll sing it to you if you want, while we wait.
I don't get it, there are a bunch of us in our cars, waiting for the red light to turn green, and suddenly this obnoxious car comes behind us and starts honking. What do you expect us to do, put green tinted sheet over the traffic signal and drive off putting our lives and law at stake? THE LIGHT IS RED. Please go back to elementary school if you didn't get that. If you think the light is green, why don't you drive ahead, kill yourself in an accident, and have green blood flow out of you? Ugh, stupid people.
Also, if you are honking to make the car ahead of you go a little farther while waiting for the light to turn green, you should calm down because you can't get past that traffic signal anyway till the light turns green. And don't you worry, unless you have a dying person in your car, I'm sure you will reach your destination without much more than a scratch or a broken heart or a salary cut, rather than the possible loss of your life.
5) People on bikes checking themselves out in the mirror- So while you are sitting in your car in the middle of a traffic jam, you decide to look out of the window ...and see a man trying to make a mohawk while staring at you. Little do you realize that your car window doubles as a portable mirror for everyone! Damn, you should probably start charging these people for such wonderful, portable cosmetic facilities!
When people do this to me while I'm in the car, I like to roll down my window and give them a nice stare in the face. They still might not stop though, my pupils are probably reflective enough to double as a mirror too!
6) Bikes without silencers- There are different types of loudness on a Delhi road. Some are tolerable and typical, like people talking or cars honking. But then there is one sound that thunders above all the rest, stealing the show, creating a crater in your eardrum. It's a normal bike sound multiplied by 50. Oh who said it is excess H2O that makes you drown? It is the excess sounds from a bike that makes you drown under the road. Instead of the siren sounds in ambulance, just make one of these bikes go in front of you, and they will steal the show, making everyone avoid it like the plague.
7) The paan-spitting- Ever noticed the side of a pavement or a wall? They normally are painted white or black or yellow or purple or any color. Then you notice some red patches, and you think "Wow, is this some new design?" Red patches on surfaces are usually caused due to the unending, inevitable, deadly, paan spitting. In any other part of the world, your teacher would probably berate you for spitting gum, or spitting spit, or spitting food. But do you do that in Delhi? HECK no.
All these people (I don't want to target anyone, but it's usually the autorickshaw drivers that do this) stop their rented flivvers or their flying carpets in the middle of the road, take a long, saliva-soaked breath in, and discharge a scuttle of paan-red spit that stains any and every surface it hits upon. THIS IS SO ANNOYING. Not only is it unmannerly, but it also destroys the natural or manmade beauty of things. Instead of spitting on the road, maybe you could spit in a sink nearby, or a dump, or a trashcan, or your own face. Better yet, don't even have paan, unless there is a sink nearby!
So that's my list of grievances that has hopefully come to your attention. I think if more Delhi people will read this, at least we'll have less of these pesky annoyances. Though I doubt the autorickshaw drivers would be very interested in reading any of this, except the really interested ones. I'll probably just email this to the government then, and hope this all gets better before I'm dead :)
Much love (and road safety),
