Fun Insults.

Now, often people ask me "Songbird, songbird, how are you so smart and capable of coming up with such awesome, mind-tingling comebacks in any given argument?" and I just clear my throat and speak in my Yoda voice "It is an ancient art that I have mastered with precision and hardwork, and only non-dweebs unlike you can master it."

Well, I lied. No one really asks me that, but in case they ever wonder (they just don't ask out of ego, I'm sure!) I happen to have made a list just for you! 

I'm not being a misanthrope when I claim that the human race has, in fact, some rather boring ways of cursing people. The usual "YOU SUCK!" "WELL YOU SUCK MORE!" "WELL YOUR MOMMA SUCKS YO ASS" is just way too drab and boring these days, so why not spice up your argument a bit, with these Fun Insults!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1) You're so ugly that if I were to cry because of your ugliness, even my tears would be too disgusted to come out.

2) Kindly turn cannibal and eat yourself. Or eat me. 

3) I will push you into a blackhole.

4) Guh---geehh---guuhh *says something incomprehensible*. Oh, I'm sorry, the bile collecting in my throat because of your disgusting remark is preventing me from speaking properly. 

5) I thought you were cute in the beginning, but now you're just a dirt-filled cuticle. 

6) You're so funny you make me snort. 

7) Your face makes me want to puke on it. Oh wait, looks like somebody already did. 

8) If we were married, I'd divorce you right away.  

9) OH, IT'S YOU! *runs away and hides behind door/book/Victorian buttress* Hello? 911...

10) You are an expired Diet Coke.  

11) Your name is a curse to my mouth.

12) You a stupid hoe, you a you a stupid hoe (x3) 

Oh wait. You're not even worth being a stupid hoe. You're just a gardening hoe. 

13) You a stupid hoe, you a, you a stupid hoe (x3)

You a stupid hoe, (yeah) you a, you a stupid hoe

You a stupid hoe, you a, you a stupid hoe (stupid, stupid)

You a stupid hoe, you a, you a stupid hoe (stupid, stupid)

You a stupid hoe, you a, you a stupid hoe (stupid, stupid)

(stupid, stupid)

14) If we were in the 1800s, I wouldn't show you my ankles.

15) You're such a loser, I bet you have loose motions everyday. 

16) I thought your hair was beautiful, until I saw it coming out of your nostrils. 

17) When I look into your eyes, I'm suddenly sure of what I want in life- You. Dead. 

18) Come here, let me hug your throat with my hands.

19) You see, it's people like you who make me want to live in isolation. 

20) If you ever acted in a movie, your face would have to be censored. 

Some of these may seem familiar, but I tried being as original as I could be. But these are too mainstream, especially if you're Indian. I just felt this post would be incomplete without some desi insults that I came up with.

---Desi Insults:

1) Your humor is so dry that it requires frying in some pure desi ghee.

2) I will wrap my dupatta around your fat, brown neck.

3) I will roll your face out like a chappati.

4) Wow, you bark so well! You'd be best friends with my dog.

5) Aap kela ho. (You're a banana)

6) OYE! You don't know my name! (Starts singing "Sheila Ki Jawaani")

7) Your voice is so annoying that people record it to use it as their truck's horn. 

8) When I first met you, I thought you'd be like the spice to my curry. But now you're making the curry way too chilly. 

9) My autorickshaw is wayyyy better than yours. 

10) People hate you so much that even your groom from your arranged marriage would run away the night before your marriage.

11) Your mind is so dirty that even Washing Powder Nirma won't be enough to clean it.

12) I hate you so much that I'm actually going to let you pay the bill at the restaurant.

13) Aww, you're so sweet! (To waiter)- Bhai saab! Please get me some chai, but without sugar. I want to dip my friend's face in it to sweeten it. 

14) You're a South-Indian Potato.

15) You're so ugly, even Fair and Lovely wouldn't make you better looking. 

16) Your Indian accent is so fake, it sounds American. 

17) When you shout, I feel like India. Because your spit borders me on three sides (like the Indian peninsula)

18) You're so untalented that you won't be an engineer. Or a doctor. 

19) Have you seen the movie 3 Idiots? You're not even cool enough to be one of them.

20) I will make the most beautiful firework out of you this Diwali! 

I apologize if you're not Indian and feel left out, just remember, you're still loved!!

As for the rest, I hope I have inspired you with some of these insults. I know that more of these are easily available on the world wiiide web, but I still wanted to come up with some on my own. Also, *Note- Please don't use these insults in a legit argument. If you do, wear an armor to avoid being covered in squished tomatoes. :)

I hope my sense of humor wasn't a complete fail this time. 

Okay, I should probably sleep now. 

Goodnighhhtt

The elephant in the room?

A few days ago, I bruised my forehead (though I initially thought I had popped a pimple) and spent a whole week pretty much advertising my bandaid cemented across the side of my head. When I took off my bandaid yesterday, the whole part around my bruise was much whiter than the rest of my face. Though very distantly related, this gave me the idea for my next blog entry. I know this is such a stupid background, but yeah, I think it's a nice intro :P
And I found this article-

Now, before I start this post, let me just remind my readers that this is all my opinion and you totally have the right to digress.

So, what this article tells me is that if you rebel and love a little tan, you're the elephant, well, the only elephant in the room? Amidst what, unicorns? Unfortunately, India's advertisement industry is loaded with fairness cream ads, convincing you that if you're fair, you get a date for the prom, you get selected for the job, and suddenly your smiling face is on every billboard and you bask in popularity. (excuse me while I drown in this hypocrisy)

And if you're a fair person looking at me with puppy dog eyes going "What did I ever do?:(" CHILLAX. I have absolutely nothing against fair people, or dark people, or grey people, or polka-dotted triple lined people. I just have something against the mindset of the people, I could care less about the way you look.

Now there's a totally whole broad view to this topic which I could take up, like blaming humanity for caring about looks so much in the first place. I mean, yes, looks do matter, but not to such an extent that it would be the prime deciding factor of your job or marriage. It should also not affect your self esteem, so throw that 'looks-complex' in the trash along with your fairness creams. But yes, FAIRNESS CREAMS! :O

They. are. everywhere! From Argentina to Yugoslavia, you find people trying to get tanned. But then you arrive India, and witness a whole new different story. People trying to get fair! Now comparing to other countries, obviously this culture would seem absurd. But I have lived through my childhood listening to the desperate pleas of fair people assuring job offers, boyfriends, lead roles and compliments as positive side effects of the fairness cream that everyone is just DYING to buy, that this has just become part of my life.

The question is not "What is wrong with being fair?" rather, "What is wrong with being dark?". It is the stereotypical views of the people, because you *seem* to find darker people in occupations which involve manual labor (note-they are dark because they work hard in the sun rather than chilling in the AC), and considering the monstrous economic gap in India, these jobs are considered low-status-ish and gossip-aunty types, so automatically people associate darkness with stuff like impurity, low status, and ugliness (because you usually don't see farmers strutting the ramp). What happened to the good ol' Rani Mukherjee of the Bollywood industry? What happened to the good old days when you could be actors even if you're not fair and like, 5' 8? It has become such that you could be absolutely mediocre at acting and say "Halloew" instead of "Hello" as long as you have a perfect butt and complexion.


(tumblr)

It is just extremely sad that I myself encountered a girl being ridiculed for being dark, a few days ago. I just. I don't know what to say. I'm just extremely pissed off, how can people even THINK like that?! So what, you might be as fair as Snow White, but you have the...the guts to be SO CHEAP and insensitive? Is that what you have reduced yourself to? Seriously, I just look down upon such people, shame on you for even thinking like that.

Would I ever step out covered in fairness creams? The answer is no. I most certainly do not think that being fair equals being beautiful. Imagine a world with everyone Caucasian white. What's the point of even calling this world a 'world' then? Everyone would be complete lookalikes! Complexion on the other hand, brings variety. The brown complexion of Indian people is what makes us...well... not American or Ethiopian or Malaysian or from outer space! When I used to live in the US, my German teacher, Mr. Rodel believed that Indian girls(and guys) are beautiful because of their complexion. It is their trademark, and if you lose your trademark, well, don't you lose yourself?
If you're naturally fair, nice. If you aren't, that's also nice. You shouldn't spend a fortune trying to scrub yourself white, because by being fair, what have you achieved? You still have that dark mindset which would make people run from you anyway. And if you're still unconvinced, think again. There are so many other factors that determine whether you're beautiful other than your fairness. Why do you think dark people also get selected to be the winners of beauty pageants?

http://au.ibtimes.com/articles/416627/20121219/miss-universe-2011-leila-lopes-updates-what.htm

Then the gorgeous Liela Lopes who won the Miss Universe title in 2011 is undeserving and insignificant, right? 

Seriously people, change your freaking minds. You may be taunted, bullied or be treated like helium, and be tempted to pop your nose in a sea of bleach, but you know when you have surrendered? When those petty reasons cost your self esteem. Someone once told me that you should embrace your race and be proud of who you are. It's not about your complexion, but how you carry yourself. I have seen tons of ugly fair people (and ugly dark people also), but I have also seen simply stunning people of different complexions. The most beautiful thing is your self esteem, and everything else, secondary. So go ahead and put on a little lip gloss and let your hair down if it makes you happy (or use hair gel and wear cologne if you're a guy?). Be who you are and love yourself, instead of trying to change yourself. Do whatever, but try to stay away from the fairness creams. I also hear that the ingredients cause premature ageing and dryness, the opposite of whatever they claim it is used for. 

And what is this new crap going on about 'Fair and Handsome'? I'm not even kidding, I burst into laughter the first time I saw the advertisement and the heavenly voices in the background going "Hi handsome hi handsome". Quid irrumabo?! *pulls out fake gun*

Let me get this straight. Being fair does not make you lovely or handsome. And no, I'm not saying this because I don't happen to be perfectly fair, but because I'm against biases in general. I totally agree with Frieda Pinto in the article, you have some serious issues if you seek assurances in diving into fairness (or trying to). 

Sure, I'll agree that there is some hope for this world. Most of my friends actually embrace tan, and you have no idea how much I admire them for killing the old myth.

I am going to end this post by quoting Souljaboy in his song 'Kiss me thru the phone'- "Baby you so sexy, your voice is so lovely, I love your complexion, I miss ya I miss ya I really wanna kiss ya but I can't.." 

I know you're totally judging me by thinking why in the world couldn't I think of another song, but idk, this song was on my mind right now :P

PS- Note: There is a difference between fairness creams and things like facewash, facepacks, and natural remedies that are 100% grandma-made. There's a difference between glowing as much as your complexion allows you, and glowing as much as bleach allows you. Though facepacks and all do have some bleach,they are still different from fairness creams whose primary motives are to get you to be fair (and hence, lovely).